All I want,

is to find a coffee shop that:

• Serves great coffee- specifically a great soy, chai latte
• Is cheap
• Has a quiet, inviting atmosphere
• Isn't popular

While most shops meet the first three criteria, it's been hard so far to find one that meets all four. I imagine though that it is possible.

If this Canaan of cappuccinos, this Vanilla Latte Valhalla really were to exist, it would, of course, need some method of detracting the thronging masses bent only on fulfilling their trumped up image of the poster child for SUV drivers that necessitates a cell phone in one hand and a 24 oz., steaming hot, quadrupuly caffeinated beverage in the other. Here are two possible ideas.

An application process. At the store-front, next to the biometrically authenticating security door, would be a clip board with an application form, like the kind you find at most chain, food stores, that reads at the bottom, "Don't call us, we'll call you... maybe." At the time that an applicant is selected, they are summoned to the store, interviewed, and if approved, their biometric signature is added to the system.

The alternative is an entrance exam that might read something like: "Name the five greatest minds to have shaped our world and why you think you could take them in a bar fight, as a collective."

All this writing has made me thirsty, I'm going to Starbucks.